One thing we all do is compare ourselves to other people, whether that be how we look or the lives we lead. As someone with a debilitating panic disorder, comparison feels like a curse. It’s a bad habit I can’t break free from. It feels like everyone I know and even everyone I watch on my screens is having a way better time in life than me. And I’m not the only person on the planet who is suffering from the comparison curse. So why do we do it? If it only makes us feel worse about ourselves why does our brain automatically want to compare?
Thousands of years ago, humans lived in tribes. Fitting in and ranking ourselves socially was essential for survival—being part of the group meant safety, food, and protection. Our ancestors constantly compared themselves to others to determine their status, strengths, and weaknesses. Today, even though survival isn’t at stake in the same way as it was thousands of years ago, our brains still use comparison as a way to figure out where we belong. Belonging means surviving. So the brain is basically saying “I’m making you feel bad about yourself so you’ll better yourself and we won’t get kicked out of this tribe”.
In my lifetime my “tribe” has gone from a few hundred to a few billion with the introduction of the internet. And then that tribe of a few billion was placed in the palm of my hand with the invention of the smart phone. I could spend an hour on Instagram or TikTok or YouTube and see hundreds of people I have never met or most likely will never meet. But these people become part of the tribe; you start comparing yourself to all of them, sometimes consciously, sometimes subconsciously.
Social media is dramatically increasing anxiety levels in young people today. The constant comparison, unrealistic standards, and pressure to be “perfect” are making kids and teens feel more stressed, insecure, and emotionally overwhelmed than ever before. Studies show that anxiety and depression in teens have skyrocketed since social media became a daily part of life. Without even knowing what is happening to them their bodies are going into survival mode because they are constantly reinforcing this theory that “I’m not good enough”. The amygdala thinks they’re going to get kicked out of the tribe and their life will be in danger. The fact that this is happening to the young people of this world terrifies me.
For someone like me – a middle aged mother, navigating a divorce I did not want, with a panic disorder and agoraphobia – comparison is dangerous. My amygdala already thinks I’m being chased by a hungry pride of lions twenty-four-seven, I don’t need to add the possibility of my tribe kicking me out to the mix. But it’s become so hard NOT to compare my life to those I see around me or on my screens. It’s not just other people I compare myself to either. Panic disorder has taken so much from me in the last two years I can’t help but compare the me today to the me before 2023. I think that might even be the hardest comparison of all as I already know what it feels like to be a panic-free person loving life. I have thousands of memories stored in my brain of things I used to be able to do without a second thought but these things simply terrify me now.
So how does someone break free from the comparison curse? How do you break the habit of constantly comparing yourself to the tribe?
Well, the most obvious first step would be to reduce the size of the tribe. Stop doom scrolling on social media. This can be a tricky habit to break as it’s scientifically proven that scrolling releases dopamine into your body which gives you a temporary “feel good” hit. But in the long term you’re going to experience a lot more peace if you break the habit and your body isn’t in survival mode all the time.
Practicing gratitude is a really good tool. If you list three things you’re grateful for every day you’re storing up evidence that proves to your brain that your life is just as good as theirs. You shift the focus from what you don’t have to what you do have.
Most importantly we need to remember that what a person shows you on the outside is not always what’s going on for them on the inside. And what a person posts on their social media is often a snapshot of the best parts of their life, or even fabricated to look fantastic and faultless.
Easier said than done, I know! But imagine how much better we would all feel if we just stuck to our own lane.
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