If you'd asked 16 year old Anneka what her life would look like when she turned 40, she would have said married to her soul mate, three kids, two cats, nice house, nice car, girls holiday booked to Greece for birthday.
She couldn't have been more wrong.
But how did this happen? How did I get here?
I think what makes things even harder to swallow is the fact that I almost did have it all. I had the kids (two rather than three, but when you have two boys you can't risk having a third!). I was married to a man who I thought was my forever person. I had (and to be fair still have until we see what happens with the divorce proceedings - don't worry, there'll be a whole other blog about that in the near future) the nice, comfortable four bed house. My husband and I had our own family business. He did most of the work to be fair, it was his dream after all, but I worked there part time when the kids were in school. Life seemed to be pretty much, bar a few details, where 16 year me thought it would be.
So I ask again - what the f**k happened?!
Life is a series of never ending happenings that change our thinking patterns and the decisions we make. For most people it's happening subconsciously. So I could say it all started when I was born, because that's when the happenings starting, well, happening. But for me one the biggest, life changing happenings was on Monday April 10th 2023. This was the day that kicked off my panic disorder. And for me the day that changed my life forever.
After a weekend of family fun and probably a bit too much alcohol it was Bank Holiday Monday. I honestly could have just spent this day in front of the TV doing absolutely nothing. But my husband, who seems to believe doing nothing on a day off is an actual crime, decided we were off on yet another family day out. This day out was to take us two hours from home to an aquarium called The Deep, in Hull. On the way we hit some traffic and then some roadworks. As an experienced driver, who has driven on many busy motorways in my time, I thought nothing of it. My amygdala however, had other plans...
{If you don't know what the amygdala is then I'd definitely advise you do some research on it. It's basically the part of the brain responsible for keeping you alive. Unfortunately, this part of my brain currently thinks there is a lion around every corner, waiting to pounce on me. Actually, make that a pride of lions, who believe humans have the tastiest meat on the planet.}
...So yeah, the amygdala. I suddenly had the most horrendous panic attack. I felt trapped without any way of escaping. Which was essentially true, given huge concrete barriers had appeared on either side of my lane meaning I was pretty much stuck on that road till the roadworks section ended. Which it did. But the feeling of terror inside me did not. My body didn't feel like my own anymore. Every sound and movement was magnified. I told my husband I didn't feel right at all but he just told me to try and forget about it.
Unfortunately, The Deep is built in a way where there feels like there's no way of getting out quickly. I did try to "just forget about it" but it was virtually impossible and after about 15 minutes I told my husband I had to get out and asked a member of staff to show me the exit.
I sat outside in the car until my family came out. Now the fear had completely taken over my mind and body. I knew as soon as we joined a motorway again I would have another panic attack. My brain just wanted me to escape, but from what? From everything. From my own body even. How was I going to get home? How could I explain how I was feeling to my husband? How was this situation going to impact my children?
We set off for home and I braced myself for impact. And sure enough it happened; the worst panic attack I'd ever experienced...
Comments