It’s so hard to describe what a severe panic attack feels like. It’s like pain; what does pain feel like? Well, it hurts! I’ve tried so many times to describe what I felt that day - to my family, health workers, doctors – but none of the words that come out of my mouth seem to justify the feeling. The physical symptoms like your heart beating so hard it feels like it’s about to explode out of your chest are bad enough, but when you add that to the complete and utter terror that has taken over your mind, that’s when it’s unbearable.
I don’t know how many times my husband had joined the motorway and then had to come off at the next exit so I could come down from the panic. The build up of adrenaline in my system started to have a strange effect on my body. The fear I was feeling was unlike anything I’d ever felt. I was starting to think I was never going to get home.
We tried one more time to join the motorway. As soon as we moved over from the entry lane to the inside lane it hit me again; a massive adrenaline surge. The amount of adrenaline in my body now was ridiculous and as a result the muscles in my arms and legs started to spasm. My right arm was twitching like it was directly connected to some kind of electric pulsation device. The muscles on my neck seized up which made it even harder for me to take in a decent breath. I cried out to my husband “help me, I cant breath properly!”. He pulled over, took one look at my stiff yet gyrating body and reset the satnav to the nearest hospital.
Luckily there was a hospital only five minutes drive away. We parked up and my husband wheeled me inside in a wheelchair – my legs could not hold me up at this point. I was seen quite quickly and the doctor and nurses did various tests, all of which came back normal of course. And then came that dreaded and degrading line that seems to invalidate every feeling you’ve just experienced and fill you with shame and guilt – “don’t worry, it was just a panic attack”. I was given 4mg of diazepam and sent on my way with a leaflet on managing anxiety.
The diazepam had relaxed me somewhat but I had to spend the whole two hour journey home with my eyes closed and my fingers in my ears. I don’t remember anything at all about that evening. I don’t remember putting the kids to bed or going to bed myself. It’s funny how parts of that day are so vivid to me. I can see images and colours in so much detail yet I have no memory at all of other parts.
The next day I woke up hoping to forget about the whole thing but that feeling I had when we arrived at The Deep was there again, in my body. “What the hell is going on with me?!” I thought, “If I just get the kids in the car and go do something for the day then I’ll be fine soon”.
But I wasn’t fine. What followed was two weeks of panic attacks every day. Twenty to thirty of them daily, coming out of nowhere for what seemed like no reason. Before I knew it I couldn’t leave the house. I couldn’t even think about leaving the house without panic flooding my mind and body. I was a prisoner in my own home.
Almost two years on from that day a lot has happened in my life. I’d say probably a little too much for one person to deal with, especially someone with panic disorder. Oh yeah, that’s what I have by the way, panic disorder. Let’s just say that the part of my brain that keeps me alive really, REALLY wants me to stay alive. I made some progress last year and it seemed like things were on the up. I was walking my kids to school by myself, I was making short journeys in the car maybe as far as a mile from home. But then I had a couple of really bad panic attacks and very quickly I was back to being housebound again and unable to be alone.
So here I am. Almost forty and unable to leave my own home or be alone. That’s my life. It’s not all my life of course, but it takes up a good 90% of it. I’m still fighting to recover every single day and learning so much about this horrendous disorder I’m suffering from. In fact, I know that much now about anxiety and panic I could probably write a book. I’ll stick to the blogs for now though.
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